On Dating:

"If you go home with someone and they don't have books, don't fuck them."

- John Waters

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I am Single, damned happy and...

• I don't complain about how horrible it is being so alone
• I don't complain about how no one wants me
• I don't whine about how no one will ever want me
• I don't feel I can't be a whole person without a mate

Not long ago, I saw a very interesting profile on someone's personal ad. This guy said he was at that point in his life where he no longer felt the yearning to be in a relatiionship. He has friends, his family, his dog, and his work. He didn't have to worry about where to go out to eat, what movie to see. All those kinds of things you do when your'e with someone. That's not such a bad place to be. Maybe he has a point In fact, I'm sure of it. I need a dog.

The Perfect Man

There's no such thing as a perfect man, nor a perfect relationship. After all, relationships are all about compromise. If you are half-decent at negotiation, compromise and communication, your chance of success in any relationship is greater, but never guaranteed.

But, if I was chained to a bed (I've some friends into that) and forced to provide a description of my perfect man, he would:

• Have a great sense of humor

• Be articulate, confident and have a good self-image. If he is a particularly good looking man and is complimented, he should simply say, "why thanks" (I am not looking for someone with a head the size of Japan. Just a man who knows who he is and where he's going.)

• Be intelligent with an eclectic mind, able to communicate and be capable of conversing on all levels and topics. He doesn't need a PhD, but I want to be able to talk about the human condition, the world around us and the things that are important to both of us.

• Be kind and generous. He should know that it's when you give of yourself that you truly give, not when you give things or money. Acts of random kindness get my attention.

• Be someone who is passionate about his beliefs, yet respectful of mine and others.

• Be romantic

Frustrated and Confused

There is a columnist named Dan Savage who gives level-headed advice and puts life in perspective. The below excerpt is from one of his columns and it describes something that has sort of happened to me a few times. Sometimes, I just don't get men. Ugh!

(If you have engaged in this flaky behavior in the past, please don't waste my time..)

"I'm a 21-year-old college student. A while ago I met a guy my age who
seemed like a really great guy -- he had a great personality and was
also very good-looking. We clicked right away and went on a bunch of
dates. One day after one of our dates he told me that he really liked me
and wanted to start a relationship with me. I agreed.

The thing is that after this, he completely disappeared for a couple of
days, then ditched me when we were supposed to go out. The next time I
heard from him he told me that he didn't know why he told me all those
things, that he was really sorry and that he just wanted to be friends.

His problem is that he ended a relatively long relationship a couple
months ago, so he told me that he wasn't ready for a relationship at the
moment. I haven't really been in a long-term relationship myself, so
moving on hasn't been such a big deal for me.

What should I do? Should I give him a break, or should I just cut him
loose? Do guys on the rebound tend to act like this, or is this just way
too much even for his case? Any advice would be very helpful.

Dear Frustrated and Confused:

The problem isn't that he's on the rebound;the problem is that's he's an
asshole.

That's harsh, I realize, but sometimes you have to view other people's
actions in the harshest possible light. By thinking of him as an asshole
and not, say, a nice guy who did some relatively jerky things because he
was on the rebound, you will have an easier time getting over him and
getting on with your life.

So tell yourself that nice people on the rebound don't disappear, ditch
or lead people on. Nice people on the rebound lay low, date sparingly
(if at all) and say things like, "I'm sorry, I'd love to date you
sometime, but right now I'm on the rebound and I'm not really ready to
start dating again yet. But thanks for asking."

What did he do? This guy who seemed so nice -- "seemed" being the
operative word here -- jerked you around and toyed with your emotions.
As it turns out, he only wants to be friends, not boyfriends. Under the
circumstances, I think you should give him a break and cut him loose."

Past Relationships

This is a great place for me to get on my soapbox and bitch about the way a lot of gay men define the word "boyfriend." This warning should be tattooed on the foreheads of every gay man:

  • Please Note: if you dated someone for only two weeks, they are not your fucking boyfriend!

OKay, maybe it's just semantics, but this reflects my philosophy on the definition of what a relationship or dating is and, more importantly, what love is.

And just what is love? Honestly, I don't have a good answer for that. Certainly, you can have great affection for someone. You can be very compatible in lots of ways, including sexually (grin). But I do know that true love takes time. Lots of time. And sometimes, true love means loving someone despite who they are.

In the years that I have been "out" to myself, I've had one "relationship." It was pretty damned good. It was the first time I ever had romantic notions toward a man. The first time I kissed
a man (blush). He was perfect in my eyes.

Yes, I even told him I loved him. Ugh, what was I thinking, right? But our dating ended quite amicably.

His lasting gift to me was opening my eyes and heart to just how awesome it is to have someone special in your life, how wonderful it was to feel "at home" in the arms of another man. And for that, I'll shall never forget him.

FREE Unsolicited Relationship Advice

Here is some free relationship advice. By no means am I an expert on relationships, but I am a fairly good observer of life. I've learned a lot by watching the various dramas that often surround gay men. Well, straight folks, too! Some of the advice I've received from friends. So, here you go. Enjoy and learn. Really, I mean that!

• Stop treating every person you meet as the Husband/Wife-elect!!!

• Never apologize for knowing what you want and the type of person you prefer. I don't.

• If someone says "I love you" after you have only known them for a month, run the other way. And I mean fast!

• Moving in with someone after you've known them for only a short period of time is a not a good idea. It will end very badly.

• If a relationship ends badly, move on! Avoid bitterness. Bitterness, it is said, is the poison pill you swallow in the hope it will destroy your enemies.

• Think of life after a relationship as the windshield of your car. There's a reason the rear view mirror is so damned small--don't spend time looking back!

Click here to check my interpretation of the progression of a relationship

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Contact me: mike@bigdaddybear.com